Saturday, August 3, 2013

Dear Blue,

Esteban writes:

"Dear Blue,

I am having issues moving on with my life after my separation. I seem to think about my ex constantly and only want to share my life with her. Yes, we have children and have been through hell and back. But I know I love her. With a love only known to love songs and Disney movies. But I'm getting lonely and she's showing no sign of wanting to put our family back together. What do you recommend?"

Blue writes:

Dear Esteban,

First of all, my condolences. Now on to the main course. There are some challenge premises that emerge from your question. These challenge premises are:
1. You want to move on in life
2. You're enamored with thoughts of your ex and a life with her
3. You're lonely
4. She's not that into you.

I say we tackle these issues one at a time with the understanding that we cannot control others. However, we can control our own thoughts and behaviors.
1. Live your life: Take an inventory of the things that you like in life that have nothing to do with "her." Then, do all those things really well. It'll keep you preoccupied until you die.
2. Go there: Give yourself a time limit with a clear beginning and end. Then, sit and think about your wife non-stop for that time period. Perhaps a 3 day ex wife crying fiasco. Turn off the television, radio, unplug the phone. Look at all her pictures and masturbate to all of them. This will take a lot of concentration. I recommend vitamins and naps. Lots of naps. Then, cook all her favorite foods and eat them all. You will gain weight. Watch all her favorite movies and cry to them. Write her a letter that tells all the ways that you love her and then burn the letter with a purple lighter. Make sure to have a bucket of water nearby just in case. Make sure to scream and cry loudly while doing all these activities. Neighbors should be afraid. After the third day, pack a bag with all that you need for a week, put it in your car, pick up your best friend, and drive to Vegas. What happens from that point forward will never be spoken of again.
3. Call your aunt. Your aunt will undoubtedly want company from you and you won't be lonely anymore. Learn to make macaroons and take them to her every Sunday afternoon. As you develop more exquisite macaroon recipes designed to wow your aunt and the other ladies in her book group, you will become the talk of the town. Before you know it, nice ladies from all over the state will be sending you emails wanting to hook you up with their daughters. Their daughters will also enjoy your macaroons. You will become known within the try-state area as "Macaroon Man". You will then open a small shop named after your aunt where you make and sell specialty macaroons and you will employ inner city youths and teach them to make macaroons. You will be featured in TIME MAG as one of the most innovative entrepreneurs of our generation. Then, leave your business to your children with clear instructions on the mission behind defeating loneliness through sharing macaroons.
4. Stop wasting time giving a shit about a muthafucka who doesn't give a shit about you. In short, fuck hos.


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