Life Lessons

I once dated a guy who came from the black upper class. Initially, I didn't like him, but he pursued me through food, which I couldn't resist because food is the shit. He was the kind of gentleman that I'd only heard old women talk about: holding doors, insisting that he buy my ice cream even when I offered otherwise... Months later, I discovered that everything he told me about himself was true: he was a superficial asshole who valued others' perceptions, and therefore needed a girlfriend who looked good on paper and in photographs to fulfill his upper class black image. 

I was naive. Not because I thought I could be the arm candy of a self-appointed black aristocrat and be happy. I was naive because I thought he was joking. I didn't believe that his type of person existed in the real world. I thought those people were the subjects of made up stories; D-list movies starring Whoopie Goldberg and Danny Glover. It was surreal to me that I would have actually found myself in the world of someone who truly viewed impression management as a way of life...at least a way of public life...because behind closed doors, he was insecure and boring.

And then he became jealous. In my attempts to show him that he had nothing to worry about: I wore costumes on stage all the time... I took pictures all the time... my performance steeze was top notch...he became jealous of me! I demonstrated to him that it was nothing for me to put on a dress, talk intelligently in heels and garner the adoration of everyone at the Christmas party. That all the things other girls worked really hard to convince people they were... you know, smart and interesting...well, that was child's play to me. I even had a formula for working a room: compliment the men and flirt with the women. Everyone was disarmed and looking forward to seeing me again. Playing dress up was fun! However, in my clever performance, I overshot his expectations. Being charming was background noise, but I still was better at it than he was. So he did everything he could to deflate my colorful balloons. And I believed him because I thought he knew something I didn't know. I was in search for the meaning of life and I thought he had answers. He was mean to me and I allowed it because I had no identity. My sense of self-worth was wrapped up in the mean things he said about me.

I came to my senses 5 months in when he broke a date with me for the 3rd time. It was as good a time as any to break loose from that mess, so I did. Turned out it was easier to break away from him than it was to break away from the damage to my sense of self.

And I learned things: never judge a person based on what I believe is possible. People are all kinds. When they tell me who they are, I believe them. I'd say that experiencing and accepting that lesson was one of the best decisions I made in life.

The other lesson, which was slower in coming, was that nobody knows anything that I don't know, especially not about me. In this life, I'd rather have irrationally high confidence than low self-esteem and it's all up to me which I choose.

Love,
Blue

What the fuck is "they"?

Inspired by recently hearing someone talk:

When interacting with other young women who look like me, especially concerning the "Natural" shenanigans, I often get the impression that "it's a choice", "you can still look professional" and "it's ok if you're subtle at first, and slowly let your "natural" come out as "they" get to know you" are considered "evolved" perspectives.

This type of thinking is the reason I haven't liked people. I am a human being. I have just as much a right as anyone else to show up in life exactly the way I happened. I do not have to slowly introduce myself to anyone. I do not have to gradually unleash myself.

I came from a world where people aimed to learn what it took to be upper middle class. Once they got the technique down, they did everything and followed all the rules. Then, they worked up the ladder in the hopes of one day being the most respected version of their group that could exist in the white male hierarchy of American humans. At best, they were the only one of them in the board room, perpetually disregarded and disrespected by their white male colleagues, but celebrated when they went back home to [insert minority group here]-landia. This was introduced to me as the best life I could possibly have by those who saw me as having "potential."

Only I never understood why I should strive for such a thing. So when opportunities arose that would allow me to position myself in such a way as to guarantee that future of disenchantment and overall ineffectiveness, I scoffed. I scoffed because I was too young and naive to understand that scoffing resulted in contempt from those who cherished the life of a marginalized token.

Freedom from oppression is a choice. Part of being free from oppression is letting go of the need to care whether or not who I am is "appropriate" in any "setting." If I am happy with who I am and what I look like, I'm not breaking any written laws that could result in the loss of my constitutional freedoms or unalienable rights, and I'm not harming children or animals, then I am appropriate. Anybody who doesn't think so simply isn't buying what I'm selling. As a result, they don't matter. I challenge anyone to convince me they exist.

Love,
Blue

It's up to us to stand up and be proud. Our children are watching us and they need our support.

-The Management

I can no longer manage.
I feel flipped and squeezed. Nothing I intended occurred, yet what transpired outweighed my provisions. I sit in my bed feeling a cryptic sadness. Mourning the loss of the isolationist dream I craved. The dream that fueled my endeavors; the cure to my misanthropic pipe fantasy. I have lost control of everything I thought I knew. The world I created does not fit into the world that is emerging.

My deceptive ego lead me to believe that humanity would be better off without me; that I was a burden to most, at best. I refused to believe that there was anything good about me or that I could do anything other than harm to another. I was toxic and preferably avoided. I removed myself from the realm of human interaction, sending out nondescript messages into the ether to channel the vitriol without directly indicting a single soul. Rageahol for a rageaholic. A buffer for my absolute hatred of life. I transformed that hatred to disdain. Disdain just seemed easier.
And the shame of feeling this way. And the guilt of feeding these thoughts. And the hypocrisy of it all...because nobody wanted to hear this when asking me how I was.

So to appease their curiosity and subsequently afford my escape, I lied. I presented the disdain as reckless acceptance, rejection as inclusion, ostracism as community, sadness as satire, abuse as healing, helplessness as generosity, hopelessness as whimsy...because this is honorable and I mastered the technique. The irony is not lost on me: that which I designed to protect me from others has only drawn me closer to them. What a mockery of my efforts.

So, I can no longer manage.
I feel flipped and squeezed. Nothing I intended occurred, yet what transpired outweighed my provisions. I sit in my bed feeling a cryptic sadness. Mourning the loss of the isolationist dream I craved. The dream that fueled my endeavors; the cure to my misanthropic pipe fantasy. I have lost control of everything I thought I knew. The world I created does not fit into the world that is emerging.

What is a Thug to Do?

In this culture, we are trained to be told what we want and then find ourselves within the parameters of what is allowed. This approach only works for those whose wants are congruent with what is allowed. For most of us, what we really want lies outside of the parameters of what is allowed in this culture. So what do we do?

We have to return to self. In order to discover what we really want, we must look within. No one on the outside can give us instruction on our desires. They can help us to understand their desires and even recruit us to help them fulfill their desires, but they cannot tell us what we want.

Culture does not rule us. It merely provides structure. The structure is there to prevent chaos among those who refuse to think for themselves. It is only a suggestion. It has no bearing to our inner self.

Laws are parameters. They are in place to protect us. If a law does not make sense, figure out how to get around it. Every man made law has loopholes. The loopholes are designed to enable the privileged to do whatever they need to fulfill their wants. The privileged are not those with the most money or highest class standing. Those are superficial things. The privileged are those with the most knowledge and understanding. Without knowledge and understanding, wealth and class will lead to self destruction.

Until we go inside, we will never find ourselves. But once we find ourselves, we will be more aware of our true desires and wants. Then, we will discover what we want. When we know what we want, we can get it.

Thug Life,
Blue

Knock Knock! Who's There? Black Revolutionary!

I went to listen to a speech by a Black Revolutionary last week. He was someone who I'd heard speak before. I asked him how he defined success. He gave a fuzzy answer, but I deduced that his goal was "self determination."

I wondered to myself: If self-determination for the Black community is your definition of success, why are you traveling the country talking to white folks? Why is every "action" a retaliation to something? Is proactivity, creation, and imagination possible? Can Black people be liberated in ways that aren't knee deep in frustration, violence, and questionable inclusion criteria?

Many Black Revolutionaries want change, but don't exactly have a solution that the people can sink their teeth into. Fuzzy answers like "self determination" and "Black Liberation" are fun and make people feel warm inside, but they're not a place you can go to eat. As a result, a few young people may rally and protest, but without a hearty goal, they lose interest in "the revolution", get spellbound by the shiny things and bright colors of capitalism and then BAM!... the movement's over. Being a Black Revolutionary gets reduced to a phase in college and a way to get laid...as long as you're not gay because no gays are allowed in the Revolution...and if you're a woman and you're not having babies, you're practically useless.

In an effort to introduce goal orientation to the revolution, I have been studying ways to overcome and have comprised the following list of cultural possibilities based on models that work.

1. The Amish: House your entire culture under a religion that cannot be touched by government or capitalism. This means that you will have to separate yourselves from the rest of the culture and live by well thought out rules that can sustain families over the next 200 years, 4 generations, or whichever comes first. Make sure that you handle all conflicts internally and in cases of domestic abuse, keep it on the hush hush. It's part of the culture.

2. The Chinese: Expatriate and turn your enclaves into thriving business centers by working, living, and worshiping only with each other. This means you have to make your own shoes, clothes, food, own your own property, and be so intentional in the building and sustaining of your enclave that no outsider could or would even want to penetrate until the population thins out as a result of integration or repatriation. The ultimate goal will be to achieve the Black Dream, promote a positive worldview of Africa, and eventually return to Africa to assist in the sustaining of infrastructure throughout the continent. You can also forge coalitions with other cultures so that the children of China and Indonesia can continue to make your T-shirts.

3. Native Americans: Decide exactly who fits in your group and get funds together to change policy as it concerns those chosen few. This means that fuzzy notions of Blackness are no longer tolerated and you will have to prove how Black you are by tribal affiliation and family lineage. If you end up on the outside looking in, you can't be mad. You simply weren't Black enough. Try again later in the grad chapter.

4. The Mexicans: Buy up 5 or 6 houses on a block and move everybody's families into them. Then, operate much like the Chinese, only interacting with non-Mexicans to the extent that it benefits your entire block.

5. The Patriots: marry lighter in order to increase your social status among whites and encourage your brown children to do the same until your family is full of white people. Then you'll be completely integrated and perfectly suitable for the inculcation of an American Dream. Luckily, by the time your white great-great-grandchildren discover that America is a plantation run by corporations, you'll be long gone and won't have to deal with your human rights being violated in the name of progress.

6. Strategize, form a coup, and overthrow the government. Then, the nation will be yours. It's good to have a followup plan because a government with no plan is short lived. Be advised that if anybody owns or runs a government, they're gonna need workers. Many of whom won't like their jobs. Jealousy will ensue because everyone won't be self actualized. Oppression will follow.

7. Don't be the struggle. Be the change. Society is fucked up because people are fucked up. Be one less fucked up individual.

In short, piss or get off the pot.

Thug Life,
Black Blue

Appendix 1: Many Black Revolutionaries have shifted their fight from a fight for Black Liberation to a fight for the liberation of all oppressed groups throughout the world: including gays and women. In my opinion, these people have evolved.

Appendix 2: Many Black Revolutionaries are afraid to express their values in mixed company...values like family hierarchy, anti-gay sentiment, and closeted capitalism. If this is your story, stop being a pussy and you might achieve your goals. Liberated women and gays aren't trying to be your friend. Stop being paranoid and be who you are. Then live in peace with everyone because you're actually getting what you want in life and you don't have to oppress others in order to do so.

Appendix 3: Yet other Black Revolutionaries are trying to convince the world that race doesn't matter. If race doesn't matter, stop calling yourself Black and claim your country of origin. You can find your ancestral roots with a little DNA for a little bit of cash...but of course, it all depends on how important that is to you. If you want to hold on to "slave" as your ancestry, that's your business, but know: slaves don't own shit. Free people do. And free people don't need your approval.

Who the fuck is Craig?

Common scenario:

Lisa: "Why haven't you returned my phone calls?"
DJ: "Because I'm mad at you!"
Lisa: "What? Why are you mad at me?"
DJ: "Because you stole my boyfriend in 2002."
Lisa: "No I didn't."
DJ: "Yes You Did!"
Lisa: "Which boyfriend did I steal?"
DJ: "Craig!"
Lisa: "Who the fuck is Craig?"
DJ: "..."
Lisa: "[...]"
DJ: "Nevermind. I'm still mad at you tho."

Most long term conflicts can be resolved when we just talk to each other. However, when attempting to resolve a conflict that's been ailing us for 10 years, we'll try to create a reason to still be mad...you know, to justify the anger we held on to for the last 10 years that resulted in our acne, ulcers, high blood pressure, missed opportunities, hair loss, and unwanted pregnancies. In this example, Lisa simply wanted to get in contact with an old friend, DJ. However, DJ has clearly been holding on to anger unnecessarily.
DJ could very easily overcome the hurt and allow Lisa to reconnect with her if she considers the following strategies, picks one (or more) and follows through completely:

1. Recognize that what's for you is for you and what's not is not. If it's not for you, you'll never have it. If it's for you, you won't be able to get rid of it. Accept that you can't have some things, let go, and move in the direction of what is for you. I doubt that DJ would have been happy if she stayed with Craig. Craig was clearly a punk bitch. However, DJ may have been married and stationed in Paris, but on tour with her dance company "The Amaradas" if she had simply allowed Donovan to take her out on a date.

2. Accept responsibility for your own outcomes. If DJ had accepted the responsibility for the part she played in the relationship between herself and Craig, she wouldn't be so quick to give a shit what Craig and Lisa did...if anything happened. Chances are, DJ's low self-esteem and/or history of manipulation, abuse etc. contributed to the reason that she was attracted to a punk bitch like Craig. Instead of blaming Lisa, who only wanted friendship, DJ may consider seeking counseling or finding a higher power to meditate on. Ultimately, DJ will discover that the higher power lies within her and was there the whole time.

3. Just say fuck it. If things don't pan out the way you want, fuck it. There are many more opportunities in the world...which is very, very big if DJ opens her eyes to see. There are probably many guys who wanted to date DJ besides Craig and Donovan, but whenever they would try to talk to her, they had to deal with DJ's hurt feelings, which, as Donovan would tell you, are a huge turnoff.

4. Be the change you want to see. If DJ still wants to be in contact with Craig, Lisa, Donovan, or anybody else, DJ can do so while being the wonderful example of love, acceptance, integrity, honesty, and friendship that she expects from those people. Then, people from all over the world will be attracted to DJ's incredible energy and she won't be able to keep track of the marriage proposals and friend requests.

I know this is true because I have been Lisa, DJ, Craig and Donovan at some point in my life.

Love,
Blue

There's No Good Music Anymore!: Solipsism w/o Perspective

When people say "There's no good [insert musical or theatrical genre of art here] anymore." What they're really saying is "I'm not being entertained anymore because entertainment is no longer relevant to me."

To all those who feel that way, there is hope! The following are examples of narratives that, if allowed to flow through your brain, may change your perspective on the relevance of the art forms around you and ultimately increase the relevance of your entertainment experience!

(1) "New or younger artists are creating things that are not relevant to my experience, quite possibly because they are different people from me with different experiences in a completely different world than the world I came up in. However, through understanding and acceptance, I can open my mind and learn to appreciate their perspectives, experiences, and ultimately, their creations."

(2) "The people who used to create things that were relevant to my experience have stopped creating because either they got sucked up by the machine somehow or they found other things to do, like raise families or start new businesses. Perhaps I can stop complaining about their life moving forward and simply enjoy the timeless, and eternal creations that they left behind."

(3) "The people who are still creating who used to create things that were relevant to my experience are now creating things that are not relevant to my experience because they've grown or changed somehow as a result of the dynamic nature of their human experience. Perhaps I should grow and change as well. Then, maybe I will realize that there is, in fact, a lot of relevance in the world. If growth and change are not possible for me, then I can enjoy the timeless and eternal creations from these artists' earlier catalogs."

(4) "Since no one is entertaining me, perhaps I should begin living a life that reflects that which I want to experience in the world because I'm an adult and I am responsible for my experiences and life outcomes."

I am a solipsist. I believe that I imagined my world and I create it as I go along. Though many of you don't want to admit it, you are solipsists as well. Without perspective, you believe that those who are doing things are supposed to cater to your every experience in life, whether dynamic or stagnant.

You want your favorite artist to re-create the feelings that you felt when you fell in love with them every time they create a new thing. This is fundamentally solipsistic. Internally, you believe that your favorite artist is a figment of your imagination and that their life experience should coincide with yours.

This is a natural thing, really. Artists touch us in such ways in life as to convince us that they are our close friends, intimately connected with us through spirit and speaking directly to us through their works. This is the magic that is art. This is the beauty that is creation. However, it is important to maintain perspective. Your favorite artist does not give a single solitary shit about you or your experience. They wouldn't even be able to pick your face out of a lineup. What I'm saying to many of you right now will come as a shock and you may want to seek therapy after reading this. It is tantamount to learning that there's no such thing as Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny. But I'm going to say it anyway because it's necessary for our society to move forward.

You are the only one responsible for your life experience. Nobody owes you anything and nobody but your parents (maybe), your kids (probably), and your significant other (likely) gives that much of a shit about you...and that's if you make good decisions.

Love,
Blue